Hang on, with distance

Well damn. Things sure have changed since my lovey dovey carefree February post! Coronavirus. No other way to say that, no need to. We’re all thinking it, feeling it, trying to move through it. I’ve been trying to understand my own experience and have found that most of my fear roots in feeling confused and helpless. As I watch things unfold I know two certainties: it gets bigger, there’s so much unknown. I’ve gone from texting someone “can you believe we declared emergency over ONE case?” …to, “oh shit”. I was born believing humor heals and connects but it’s hard to know what’s helpful VS too soon at times. Last night I entertained some nurses at urgent care so much that it made me feel really useful, like I had some kind of purpose in these times. I didn’t go because I thought I had coronavirus but I’ve been battling other illnesses and just want to stay on top of my own health. Another place I have control is how often I’m out of my house. It’s true there’s a fine line between isolation and helpful, but my jobs are all high contact and given I have the luxury of halting those activities, I’m doing so. Not only for my own health but for others. Even if I’m wrong, I have to think my actions matter because otherwise I feel so victimized and that’s a hard place to be. I think we owe each other a ton of empathy right now. Okay maybe those who are told to quarantine and violate that are harder to pardon, maybe it’s annoying to see no toilet paper. But I try to remember that everyone is operating off of their own narrative, specifically-what this triggers. The most important person to me outside family is in the very high risk category. She’s 39, has fought a terminal respiratory illness since we were 19 and thought we defied everything. I cry a lot thinking of her, sometimes I shop in haste picturing her getting sick or worse-so when I see others in that state at stores I have to step my judgement back and consider what they may be thinking about too. I don’t want to be someone who gets no symptoms and passes this on to another who gets very sick or dies. I have the option of limiting myself a lot from being out. That is where I find a sense of peace and control, contribution. I joke with Johnny that she’s under quarantine because her life is already staying at home all day every day. That too makes me smile. The little things. From our whole entire hearts, Johnny and I send so much love, support, understanding and connection to each and every one of you out there.

2 comments

  1. Hi! Enjoyed your post this month. Its been awhile since I wrote to you as I have been adjusting to the fact that my ‘life partner’ (your dad played basketball with him at USU) has fully retired after working 50+ years and he is now in our house 24/7. This coincides with the ‘stay in your home’ mandate from the Governor for all CA residents 65 and older. This may seem like a small task as we have been married those 50+ years, but have also, until recently, been able to go our separate ways during the day as we work out at the gym, shop, meet friends for Tea, etc. I know that I am not alone in this venture and I’m sure millions of women are going through this same situation, each with their own solutions. I love to read, so I’m going to try to read the Jo Nesbo books my son let me borrow. I complete a daily Sudoku in the LA Times and have started an exercise, weight, and walking regimen that I will try to complete every day. I’ll let you know how I am doing next month.
    Stay safe, smile, keep your sense of humor, wash your hands and continue to social distance at all opportunities.
    Best regards,
    Elaine

    • I loved reading this, thank you so much for sharing how you are and how coronavirus is impacting your life. I take it deeply to heart and love staying connected!! Please keep me (and Johnny) updated. What a time. We are sending so much love and well wishes!❤️❤️❤️

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